After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize