i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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