did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
