I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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