the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he shaved USA in his pubs
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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