I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize