we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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