I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
