I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
