I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
