She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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