Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
