I'm pants shitting drunk right now
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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