I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
