Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
