oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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