Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
