everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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