Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
