Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
