I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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