he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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