I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
