I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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