Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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