Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
