what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
