I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
