he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
