Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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