i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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