Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
