i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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