i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
