just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
