my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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