we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
