i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I would ride that face into the sunset
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
