So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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