I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
