Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
