I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
