ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
