It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
