my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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