a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
