I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
