I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
