Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
