And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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