I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
