Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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