well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
