I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
