My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
