Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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