Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
