any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize