I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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