if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
