your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
