How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
